Once again, at the worst time of the year..  Last year I fell asleep driving and hit another car, minor damaged..  paid about 450 dollars to ICBC.. I think it was the day after my birthday too..  Today, the day before my girlfriend's birthday.. I got caught turning left on a no left turn sign on Kingsway.. charged for 125 dollars.. Things like this always happen at the worst time..  I used to be able to save up so much and now I just don't know why.. I am so out of control..  Every time when I am depressed, I ended up doing something stupid.. Collecting suck, wasted so much money and is becoming a very bad habit to me...  One reason I did it was to keep me not to think about other stuff.. not to bother my girlfriend all the time..  Thought it would keep me concentrate on something, so don't have to think & worry so much about things and about her.  However, it is coming a bigger problem..  I am not managing things well and not spending my money wisely.. I am starting to hate driving more and more.. cost so much on gas, repairing and insurance..  Other then that, I am very disappointed about I don't know if it is me or my friends.. My friends just don't ever call me anymore.. even though I call them up, telling them I am free.. they just never calls me back usually.. I don't have much close friends, I tried to keep them but they always seems to go away.. Lots of time, a friend that I think they are my best friends and I tried to keep them.. Then, it just seems like I am not that important to them.. I know I always have attitude problems and bad temper.. and probably because I am usually depressed and thats why my friend finds me annoying.. I don't really know..  Am I really that bad..   just want to keep my best friends as best friends.. and new friends to become best friends..

Well, I always seek for balance in life.. I guess is a very bad things.. maybe is just because I feel lonely.. maybe is just because I want to be a special someone to a friend, girlfriend..  I don't know how to let things go and kept remembering the old things, good old moments too much.. I miss the good time when there are friends that find me important to them..   I am disappointed on my gf that I just wanted a laptop bag for this year and I didn't even get anything.. IS not that, is just why is it so hard for her to try, think and act.  Make me feel I am special..  is my expectation too high?  I keep lower and lowering my expectation already, how much more lower should I go?  I mean, maybe I should just don't try and don't do nice things anymore and then I wouldn't be seeking for balance and ended up with more expectation & disappointment..   I don't want to talk about it, I tried not to think about it.. Maybe I haven't do good enough to care less.. What is the right attitude here, I am so confused.. I don't know what is right & what is wrong anymore.  I don't know what to do anymore.. Why can't I just be happy about everything for once and for all.. I don't know since when that people kept telling me to "smile".  I am not here to blame anyone for my sadness.. I mean I could even say I am blaming is because I grow up in a noisy family, my parents argue like crazy all the time..  yeah, whoever reading this don't need to read it.. I am just saying all these to myself..